An Experiment Out of Control

Overcoming addiction

When D.J. rounded first base and planted his left foot, his knee extended but wouldn’t give.  Then he heard a loud popping noise accompanied by throbbing, excruciating pain throughout his leg, centered near his knee: an athlete’s worst nightmare.  After the trainers carted him off the field, D.J. went straight to the hospital, where, as he recalls, all he could do was question his future in athletics.
“The first thing I thought of was that I’m never going to play again,” he said.  “I figured it was all over, right there.” Listen to D.J. tell it himself.
As D.J. sat and waited for any news from the doctors, he began thinking about his teammates, his coaches, his parents and his career in the sport that he loves.  He quickly snapped back to reality, however, as the pain was just too severe to simply ignore.  After test after test after test, the uncertainty instantly dissipated with just six words uttered by the doctor, “You ruptured your anterior cruciate ligament.”
This is where the long and arduous recovery period began for D.J, a progression that would include drugs, deception and cheating.  He decided to turn to illegal substances and drugs to recuperate faster and regain his confidence. Listen to D.J. tell it himself. As countless stories unfold on television or in the news regarding performance enhancers and other anabolic steroids, D.J. began to think that abusing such drugs was the only way to get him on the field again.  These drugs are present in all sports and across every level of competition, as is the case with the NFL.  Even with newer and tougher steroid testing policies, numerous players have been caught and suspended for using.  Just this past season, at least three players have been fined and forced to sit out, like Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers.  After an incredible rookie campaign, he tested positive for banned substances and was not allowed near the Chargers’ facilities for weeks.  Naturally, these stories have a great impact on people of all ages watching and following from home. 
A recent “Monitoring the Future” study, an ongoing examination of the behaviors, attitudes, and values of American secondary school students, college students, and young adults, revealed a significant increase in steroid use among school-age children.  In 1991, roughly 1.9 percent of eighth grade students reportedly used steroids while the amount of twelfth graders using was 2.1 percent.  Ten years later, the amount of eighth grade abusers increased to 2.5 percent and 4 percent of high school seniors had tried steroids.  Perhaps even more alarming: a survey in 2004 determined that 479,000 students nationwide, or 2.9%, had used steroids by their senior year of high school, a nationwide trend that is yet to decline.  Clearly, young people are taking after their role models, using these drugs to get better faster and bigger quicker.  However, the scariest part may be that many coaches might not even be aware that is going on. 
   “Most of these guys are big, physical players and it’s sometimes impossible to tell what they’re up to.  I’m sure that I’ve had plenty of player using steroids without me knowing about it,” said Scott Marsh, Assistant Baseball Coach for Cornell University.       
So, after D.J. let some swelling decrease, the inflammation to subside and his range of motion to improve for several weeks, the time had finally arrived for the actual reconstructive operation.  When the torn ligament was removed, a new ligament must be completely reconstructed from healthy tissue.  Then, after the two-hour surgery, the athlete can look forward to painstaking, rigorous rehabilitation for about six to seven months in order to regain full playing strength and confidence. 
“They told me that this was the quickest way to get me back out there but I wasn’t satisfied.  I needed to play and prepare,” said D.J..  Listen to D.J. tell it himself.
So, instead of asking physicians and other experts, he went to a friend who had recovered from serious rotator cuff surgery much faster than was anticipated.  D.J. had never asked or brought it up, but he was fairly certain that it wasn’t just good old hard work and determination that healed his friend’s shoulder.  And he was right.
Feeling worthless, lost and confused, the athlete promised to keep his friend’s steroid use secret if he could let him in on it.  Finally, he agreed and set him up with just one cycle, after all, he was just experimenting. 
“I didn’t want to get too crazy too fast because I just wanted to test it out,” said D.J.
With so much pressure from his parents, coaches and teammates, he felt responsible to make sure he was healthy for the season no matter how far he had to go to achieve that goal.  Listen to D.J. tell it himself.
For D.J., it wasn’t about getting bigger or faster, jumping higher or swinging harder.  For one, anabolic steroids would help aid in revitalization and recovery from the demanding, bodily punishment that every player endures during training.  Instead of working on one isolated muscle group during rehab, he would be able to feel fresh and ready to go, day in and day out.  As he put more stress and pressure on his body each and every day, the steroids allowed him to feel rejuvenated and recharged, ready to endure the grueling rehabilitation process every appointment. 
Before he knew it, the drugs were working.  Six weeks had passed and D.J.’s knee was already feeling stronger, his body sturdier and his confidence higher.  He also knew, however, that his initial eight week cycle of Testosterone and Dianabol would be running out shortly.  Although he promised himself that he would only test the performance enhancers to see if they truly would aid in his recuperation, he was desperate to continue his progress, not suffer any setbacks. 
“It was right then that I decided that this stuff was legit, that I could keep using and keep feeling better and hopefully be ready by the start of the season.”
He purchased a second cycle.  This time though, he went with an injectable and an oral, doubling his steroid intake per week.  The rehabilitation continued to improve each visit as he was able to revitalize and recover quickly enough to maintain a constant training and work out regimen.  The steroids were certainly doing what they were known to do but the results weren’t all good.
“I got a bad grade and went home where I was taking a nap.  My roommate came in and woke me up to ask a simple question and I exploded on him, freaking out, yelling and screaming.” Listen to D.J. tell it himself.
He said that he had heard of similar outbursts related to steroid users, frequently referred to as “roid rage”.  But he knew that he couldn’t possibly be experiencing these because he was just experimenting.  As the days went on, his friends began to notice very obvious changes not only in his appearance but with his overall attitude and demeanor. 
“He was always on edge, no one wanted to go near him or talk to him because they didn’t know which side of him they’d get.  We wanted and tried to help, but he didn’t want it,” said a housemate.
While D.J.’s increased aggressiveness may have been beneficial during competitions, it didn’t stay out on the fields or courts, it came home. 
“I would randomly get violent and feel furious out of nowhere, but it wasn’t just the rages.”
In addition to his sporadic, angry outbursts, he was having trouble sleeping, became easily confused and was often paranoid.  Spotty patches of acne appeared across his chest and back and he grew increasingly anxious as days went on.       
Then, his second cycle ended.  When D.J. was about to buy yet another eight week cycle, his initial worries set in.  His fears about high blood pressure and liver disease and shrunken testicles got the better of him and he realized that it might be time to stop.
“Then, next time I had rehab, I kind of jerked my knee the wrong way and I had trouble finishing the exercises that day.  I felt so close to healthy and then it felt like I was right back at square one.”
With the doubts and questions spinning in his head again, D.J. felt like he was dependent on the performance enhancers; he was at the point that he needed the injections and tablets to work out, without them he felt depressed and empty.  This type of thinking is very common with steroid users as withdrawal symptoms set in virtually right away.  His temper became worse than ever before, he felt miserable and rundown and was always apprehensive.  After a lot of internal conflict, D.J. figured his best chance of rapid recovery was to get back on the steroids and stack them with other supplements, over-the-counter vitamins, powders and pills.
He continued to get better with little to no setbacks, increasing the muscle mass in his legs and throughout the rest of his body for added solidity.  Finally, his physical therapist questioned his appearance and techniques.  After she confronted him, he exploded, yelling about the “fabricated” accusation.
“She told me that I had made the most progress faster than anyone she had ever dealt with and that she was worried I was doing stupid things, and I was and I flipped,” said D.J. 
Even he had convinced himself that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.  He continued using for the next several weeks and, finally, after what seemed an eternity, he was given clearance to go back on the field.  Only then did D.J. realize what was happening to him.  He wasn’t the same person.
“My friends didn’t want to be around me, my teammates hated me and my body clearly wasn’t agreeing with what I was putting in it.” 
And so he stopped.  He didn’t need any interventions or counseling, all he needed was the realization that the steroids had already cost him some of the things he cares about the most and “I wasn’t about to risk anything else, especially my health,” he said
  And with the NCAA steroid testing season not so far away, he knew he would likely be caught, suspended and benched.  After doing everything he could do to get better, including abusing illegal substances, he wasn’t going to risk the playoffs in order to maintain his use.    
“I know that they only test during the post-season and seeing that we had a legitimate shot of making it, I knew I was only hurting myself by continuing to cheat.”
This positive, clean attitude didn’t last long however.  After only a few practices, he could feel his knee flaring up with the constant tension being put on it.  Knowing that he could no longer succumb to the quick-fix, he sought an alternative route.  This time though, he chose prescription painkillers.
Directly after surgery, he was given a series of medications to numb and reduce the pain.  He took some of the pills but didn’t take them often because they tended to make him drowsy and uninterested.  When the knee was tweeked the wrong way, substantial pain ensued and the one way he could escape the pain and frustration were the painkillers. 
“They brought me to another world, where the knee didn’t hurt, it didn’t even matter.  I could unwind, relax and feel good after a tough practice or work out.”
Every day after practice, he would rush home, hoping the pain wouldn’t set in right away, and take a pill in order to avoid the tenderness and throbbing that still accompanied injury.  The problem arose when that one pill became two and then two became three.  He also strayed from the recommended administration means, breaking up the pills and snorting them or chewing them for more rapid effects.  After only two weeks of abusing these medications, they were all gone.  When the doctors wouldn’t refill the prescriptions, he found contacts that would illegally sell him these prescription pills.  Just like with the anabolic steroids, his friends quickly noticed changes in behavior and manners.  If D.J.’s prescription was low, he would act tense, nervous and agitated; he had developed a physical dependency for the second time in less than one year. 
“They made me feel so good but when I didn’t have them, all I thought about was how I could get them…pills kept me from being depressed about my knee and that’s big.”
Finally, his roommates again figured the time had come to step in and take care of this experiment gone completely out of control.  One day after practice, he took his medicine, fell asleep and his friends found and flushed all of the painkillers down the toilet. 
“I was so angry, I could’ve killed someone but my friends seemed real worried and I could tell I was on the verge of losing them and possibly worse things than that,” said D.J.
After the long process of convincing himself he didn’t need any enhancers or prescription pills to feel good, he went completely clean.  No steroids or performance enhancers, no painkillers or banned substances.  It did cause a setback though as the knee just wasn’t ready, perhaps because all the added muscle increased the pressure on his knee or simply because the pain medication made him feel invincible.  He sat out the first month of the season, continued to rehabilitate his knee the right way and was able to make a full recovery.  This athlete got lucky, lucky that he had good friends that cared, lucky that his family was involved and noticed changes and lucky he was able to take care of his problems before serious damage was done to his health. 
“I might not be as big and strong as I was and I might be as mellow and laid back from my Vicodin days, but I’m healthy and I’m playing and that’s all I care about”.